Monday, May 10, 2004

Worst. Movie. Ever.

I can't believe I forgot to write this on yesterday's post, but I was unfortunate enough to view what just might overtake 'Battlefield Earth' as the worst movie ever made. As you will probably guess, I am speaking of 'Van Helsing'; a campy, dimwitted piece of crap that somehow masquerades as a Blockbuster.

Let me just say that in no way did this movie actually look good on its trailers. I remember seeing the ads and laughing at how outrageous the whole idea was: Take monsters from literal and cinematic sources, mix them up with a lame "plot", and then blow shit up. Oh, and talk in that stupid overdone Dracula accent: "I VANT to SUCK your BLOOD!" Uggh. Seriously, every character in the movie spoke like this. "Please PASS the SALT and PEPPER," and "Your HAIR looks VERY good FOR having JUST fought A WEREWOLF." If Transylvania existed (I honestly don't know if it does or ever did. Does anyone actually know this? I need to find this out.) and I had wanted to visit, I couldn't do it only because of that irritating way of talking.

But what really sucks is that I don't have anyone else to blame for this. I willingly handed over my wife's hard-earned money to see it. In a couple of words: that sucks. But what's even worse than that is the news that there are three or four more sequels set to come out and thereby destroy all that is good about movies: writing, acting, and editing; basically the Triple Crown (as I see it) of movie making. If a movie can attest to having those attributes with the word 'good' in front of all of them, chances are the film is going to be decent.

I would go over the plot points of the movie to analyze them, but because there were so few of them, I really can't. See, that's the problem with taking such generous leeway with various movie and literary monsters: how can you fit them all in to a movie and have it all make sense? 'Van Helsing' is cinematic proof that you cannot. Seriously, how are you going to fit in Dracula, Frankenstein, Werewolves, and Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde in one movie and have it make any sense whatsoever?

A quick note: those out there who are worried about becoming a werewolf should definately check out the film. See, there are tons of caveats to being a werewolf that I had no idea of previously. The outworldly strength and the ability to climb up sheer walls like spiders is pretty cool, but can't possibly compare to the benefit of never having to worry about clean underwear. No. Seriously. See every person who turns into a werewolf in 'Van Helsing' outgrows their clothes and even their skin. They howl and run around and demolish things, but then when they turn back to their human forms, they are always naked. Naked, except for the loin cloth that always covers the shaken person's nether regions.

This is a comforting thought for me because, you know, just in case I ever turned into a werewolf, what would happen to all of my clothes? I would turn back and I would be flat out naked. What if I turned back and I was in school? Or in the car? Or at crowded food court? There I'd be, minding my own werewolf business and boom, I would turn back into myself, without any clothes, embarrassed and unassure of what I should to: cover myself with my Sbarro tray and look inconspicous or just make a run for it to the nearest clothing store.

But now I can rest easy. Whew.


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