Monday, September 13, 2004

Reality. Really? Nope.

Hmm...it turns out that I have been proven wrong. It seems that while I had an interesting theory going in my last post in that reality TV is actually a good thing for TV.

Well...I'm an idiot.

Reality TV has fallen to a new low. Well, actually ABC has fallen to a new low: Mark Cuban. Yep. That irritating pudgy Dallas Mavericks owner has a reality TV show.

I'm not really sure how to approach this; the angles seem to be so obvious and numerous that I'm a little taken aback by the choices. It's kind of like going to Krispy Kreme and rounding the corner for the first time: The line is moving slowly and you're watching the little donuts being fried and flipped and doused in frosting. But then you see the case and then the smiling girl hands you a warm Krispy Kreme and...well, let's just say that Heaven has been briefly eclipsed. But then something else happens...you round the corner and slowly not one donut, but fifteen different KINDS of donuts are there, glistening in their sugar and fat coatings, just waiting to be eaten. But the thing is you're still realing from the free donut; you're mind is a little numb, your hands are shaking and you are drooling - you have no idea how you are going to possibly narrow down all of these choices. You can't go wrong, and yet you can't decide for fear you miss one.

That said, I think I am going to take the go-to route on this one. In fact, to keep the Krispy Kreme theme (it rhymes!) going, let's name each angle after a donut. First off:

1. The original. This is first because it's the go-to, money shot, Bo-Jackson-Sweep-in-Tecmo-Bowl...basically nine times out of ten, this thing is working. Mark Cuban is an ass. How this guy became a quadragazillionmillionaire is beyond me. He looks like he's twelve for God's sakes!

2. The Key Lime. Slightly sour, creamy, and not all that good. This one's going to the stupid things el Cubano keeps repeating in his little testimonials. So far - and this is on the first show, remember - he has said that making a good impression is important. Well, gee whiz Cuban. That's fucking brilliant. Now wonder you're a quadragazillionmillionaire.

3. The Cake. Donut. This is for the ridiculous premise of the game. It seems that Cuban is not only above the law when it comes to tolerable sports owners (the man has more fines than I will make in my lifetime), he also seems to be above the rules for reality TV. It appears that Cuban's idea for this show is that he can do whatever the hell he wants; he cuts people for the heck of it. Not so much because they deserve to, but because he doesn't feel right about them. Read that once more. Mark Cuban, one of the creepiest guys around, doesn't feel right about someone. Hmm...

But here's the thing. It's ABC-this is what they do. They make crappy TV. So I guess I should be thanking them becuase this will somehow, some way make scripted TV something to look forward to.

Until then, though, I'll see you at the KKreme.

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