That’s a wrap. Kind of.

With the tsunami and “war” death tolls continuing to rise, bringing with them a sense of awkward depression and anger (respectively, of course), I figure it’s time to take a break from the all of this. You know, focus on something that has been slipping under the radar for YEARS and no one, despite all of the pain it has created, has decided to bring it to light.

SARAN Wrap.

Yep, the stuff you (ineffectively) use to cover your Tupperware bowls when you lose the lids; the stuff you swath your sandwiches in for lunch—is the work of a higher, more evil force.

Work with me here.

Saran wrap (or the generic, less expensive “plastic wrap”) is the work of a despicable conspiracy, one that is solely dedicated to keeping our economy moving while other things remain stagnant. Think about it: most everything is price sensitive (gas, wood, Russian child whores, etc.), and will see increases or (rarely) decreases in price given other variables.

But not Plastic Wrap.

Nope.

Plastic Wrap continues to be a low-priced product that offers a promise it NEVER keeps. And yet no one notices it. Seriously. Have you ever actually successfully pulled off a sheet of plastic wrap and stretched it over a bowl of say, cherries? Further, is the seal so tight, and the surface so taught with tension that you could bounce a quarter off of it? Without having to deal with the immediate, implausible implosion of the plastic wrap after your tear it from the roll?

I didn’t think so.

Think about how many rolls a year are wasted because of people (you know you’ve done it—it’s impossible not too) innocently sucked into thinking that, “Yes, I too, have leftovers that need to be covered with a film of plastic…I shall buy two at this price” and go home only to find that it takes nearly an entire role of the stuff before you have successfully created that nice, tight seal? Yep. I’ve done it too. I’ve also ended up with enormous balls of wrinkled plastic that were originally intended to envelop my ham sandwich when I ran out of sandwich bags. Oh, the horror.

And what's worse is that we're sitting here, perpetuating the Plastic Terror because they've got us fooled into thinking we can beat it; that it's somehow OUR fault that the plastic sucks itself into a irreversible shape that, regardless of how minutely you disect it, it remains clung to itself. Like it's some sort of subliminal challenge that all human beings with a logical mind have to take up: "Damn. Must be a draft in here or something. Oh well, I'll try again. Damn. Stupid draft...Damn...my fingers must be defective...damn...my hands must be dirty..."

It's a dangerous, sad cycle. But it's time to wake up. You will NEVER beat the SARAN Sentinal; it's much too powerful. It's defensive, like the New England Patriots right now, is too stoic - it knows all your moves and has the answer for anything you throw at it.

You. WILL. NEVER. WIN.

Still doubtful? Here’s the kicker: “Saran” is only an ‘t’ away from “Satan.”

Coincidence?

Oh, I think not.