Something fishy is going on here...

There’s a scheme going on, and you may be a victim. Of course, that’s the brilliant part of a scheme, right? Subterfuge, misdirection, and all that other stuff. But this plot – while not directly involving the toppling of foreign governments or the unmasking of prominent celebrities’ sex tapes – is much more unnerving. Unless the prominent celebrity happens to be Michael Moore, in which case we should all just pray for quick and easy deaths. Come to think of it, that’s one in the same.

Two words: Jesus Fish.

Yep. That funny little mainstay of American conservatism, the little fish is involved in much, much more than just condemning abortions and bashing gays (oh, and loving Jesus and everyone…except for those people over there). See, they’ve found a new way to circumvent church as the way to express their beliefs: good ol’ American patriotism.

Now, before bolts of lightning come shimmering through the sky and blacken the earth around me, let me explain. The Jesus/Right Wing/Christian/Faith Fish, looks like this:

Yes, you’ve seen it before. Sometimes it will be plain, other times it may have a little cross for an eyeball, and still others may have the word “faith” inside of it. But the similarity that keeps them all going is the overall design of the fishy itself: an oval, whose axis is broken, so that two “ends” protrude, thus creating the fish’s fins. It’s important to note here that the ‘Darwin’ fish shares this same design, except that it adds two little feet to the fish. Something to do with evolution or something, I’m not sure.

But what I’m sure of is this: The same people that brought you the Fish, are bringing another fish to the table. But this one tastes worse and has uglier markings. I’m referring to the “Save Our Troops” ribbon magnets that are currently taking up space on the sides and bumpers of cars across America. Not sure what I’m referring to? Here you go.

I know what you’re thinking. I do. You’re sitting in front of your computer, looking at that image, saying to yourself, “No way. That thing looks NOTHING like the Jesus Fish. Andy probably just had too much Sapphire.” And while the latter part of that statement is very likely, the former isn’t. See, the Fish and the Ribbon have more in common than you think. In fact, the beauty of it is the simplicity in which the Ribbon can be transformed into a make-shift Jesus Fish. Watch.

Coincidence? Oh, I think not. Still think I'm paranoid, do ya? Well, check THIS out:

I think you see that cross in red just as clearly as I do, thank you very much.

The “face” on Mars is less startling than this revelation, let me tell you. And you know what’s even stranger? I’ll tell you. It’s that people are looking at ME funny when I point wildly at their vehicles, and scream “You’re being duped! DUPED I say!”