Sunday, February 05, 2006

Back in Black (Text)

Looking back over my past few posts, I can't help but notice they were a little...let's just say they were a little dark. And the crazy thing? (Maybe crazy isn't the best word choice there) I was completly unaware of it; I was brushing it off as if envisioning extremly violent mental images was completly normal. I'm not saying it's all done--it's not--but it feels a lot better now. The images aren't commonplace anymore, maybe one here and there, but not a highlight reel taken from Charles Manson's private vault.

It's interesting. When you're feeling down, and not in the Charlie Brown After School Special kind of down, but the dark, malevolent, violent and angry down, you see things much differently. Colors become muted, people are shadows deviod of personality, meaning or emotion; they look at you and see the darkness, the same vile thing that is consuming you. It only pushes you further and further into yourself, into the aggression and isolation that only you can break out of.

Why am I feeling better? Why do I feel hopeful now, when three weeks ago I was lost inside myself, beating my soul into a pitiful existence? I think it can be summed up nicely with two syllables: Jaime.

In the past six weeks, I've put her through more than anyone, married, friend, or otherwise, deserves. I pushed, forced, begged her to leave me. She stayed. I told her the truth, the thoughts the images I was seeing, hoping that she would be scared and leave. She stayed. Even when everyone, our family members, our doctor, our friends, told her otherwise.

She stayed.

And I owe her my life.

1 Comments:

Blogger Derek Knight said...

yay! I'm glad that you're less psycho now!

9:39 AM  

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